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Jokes
Oct 9, 2004 9:23:37 GMT -5
Post by tarpon on Oct 9, 2004 9:23:37 GMT -5
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Jokes
Oct 12, 2004 11:23:25 GMT -5
Post by camo on Oct 12, 2004 11:23:25 GMT -5
You just get worse every day.
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Jokes
Oct 20, 2004 17:10:32 GMT -5
Post by camo on Oct 20, 2004 17:10:32 GMT -5
One day a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went fishing.
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Jokes
Nov 12, 2004 11:54:54 GMT -5
Post by tarpon on Nov 12, 2004 11:54:54 GMT -5
I thought that you would look, especially if with Rachel Stevens name there, and yes i would love to see her naked
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Jokes
Jan 17, 2005 10:40:10 GMT -5
Post by camo on Jan 17, 2005 10:40:10 GMT -5
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note.
'Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate'.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says 'Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monks habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part'.
Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a really rude letter of complaint.
The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads 'Dear Sir, please find enclosed a tin of treacle. Pour the tin of treacle over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple -
you tosser.'
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Jokes
Jan 18, 2005 2:34:41 GMT -5
Post by faggy on Jan 18, 2005 2:34:41 GMT -5
excellent mate ;D
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Jokes
Jan 19, 2005 14:11:17 GMT -5
Post by Shakey on Jan 19, 2005 14:11:17 GMT -5
I lorry driver breaks down on the M25 with a consignment of monkeys for Colchester Zoo. He phones the AA and they tell him that it will take at least 3 hours to get someone out to him.
The monkeys are getting restless in the back of the lorry so the driver jumps out in front of a passing white transit van.
"Thanks for stopping mate, I need to get these monkeys to the Zoo. Here's £25 can you take them to the zoo for me ?" "Sure, no worries guvnor stick in the back of the van"
So the two of them load the monkeys into the transit.
About 3 hour pass and the guy is still sat on the hard shoulder waiting for the AA when he sees the transit approaching, headlights flashing, horn honking and monkeys hanging out of the windows.
The lorry driver jumps out in front of the transit and the van comes to a grinding halt.
"What you doing, I told you to take them to the Zoo !!" "I did" explained the transit van driver "I only spent £15, so i'm taking them to the cinema now !!"
;D ;D ;D ;D
I'll get my coat.................
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Jokes
Jan 29, 2005 8:10:40 GMT -5
Post by camo on Jan 29, 2005 8:10:40 GMT -5
It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail
through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way >with a gift cheque for £50.
At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.
The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie.
She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she >blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a full George Best breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she
was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five >quid for?"
"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you." > "I asked him what to give you."
He said, "F*ck him. Give him a fiver."
She smiled shyly and said, "The breakfast was my idea."
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Jokes
Mar 16, 2005 16:43:38 GMT -5
Post by tarpon on Mar 16, 2005 16:43:38 GMT -5
An American, a Japanese and an Irish man were sitting in a sauna, there was a beeping sound. The American touched his arm and it stopped. That was my pager, i have a micro chip in my arm... Phone rings, the Japanese man put his palm to his ear... that was my mobile phone he said, i have a micro chip in my hand.... The irish man, not to be out done, went to the toilet for a dump, came back with toilet roll hanging from his arse. The other men stare at him surprised!.... Bejesus, will ya look at t'at! I'm gettin' a fax ;D ;D
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Jokes
Mar 16, 2005 16:50:14 GMT -5
Post by tarpon on Mar 16, 2005 16:50:14 GMT -5
Jar in the Bar
A guy walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills...
The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it! He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"
"Well, you pay ten dollars and IF you pass three tests, you get all the money!!!"
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up! "What are the three tests?"
"Pay FIRST..." says the bartender... "Those are the rules."
So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar..
"OK," the bartender says, "here's what you need to do.
FIRST: You have to drink that ENTIRE GALLON of pepper tequila...the WHOLE thing, all at ONCE. And you CAN'T make a face while doing it...
SECOND: There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth.. You have to REMOVE the tooth with your BARE HANDS...
THIRD: There's a 90 year-old woman upstairs who has NEVER reached orgasm during intercourse... You've gotta MAKE THINGS RIGHT for her."
The man is stunned... "I KNOW I paid my 10 bucks, but I'm not an IDIOT! I WON'T DO IT!!! You have to be NUTS to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those OTHER THINGS!!!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but your MONEY stays where it is..."
The man has a few drinks .. then a few more... Finally... he asks,
"WHERRRRE'S ZAAAAT TEQUIIIIIILA?!?!?!"
He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp,..
Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face...
Next ... he Staggers out back where the pit bull is chained up...
The people inside the bar hear a HUGE, NOISY SCUFFLE going on outside... They hear the pit bull barking the guy screaming... the pit bull yelping and then... SILENCE.
Just when they think the man SURELY must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and large, bloody scratches all over his body...
"NOW........" he says..."WHERE'S THE OLD WOMAN WITH THE SORE TOOTH? ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Jokes
Apr 5, 2005 15:53:36 GMT -5
Post by niknak on Apr 5, 2005 15:53:36 GMT -5
Peter Kay classic: "Old people, you can't beat 'em. Pity! " ;D
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Jokes
Apr 8, 2005 15:33:20 GMT -5
Post by sidecarp on Apr 8, 2005 15:33:20 GMT -5
old joke, whats the fastest thing in the lake, a motorpike and sidecarp? ??
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Jokes
Apr 19, 2005 4:55:39 GMT -5
Post by niknak on Apr 19, 2005 4:55:39 GMT -5
Social Security Sex: Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
Loud Sex: A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear-splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "That's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"
Quiet Sex: Tired of his listless sex life, a man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
Confounded Sex: A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be £3,500 for "small," £6,500 for "medium" and £14,000 for "large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or a large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made a decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."
Wedding Anniversary Sex: A husband and his wife have a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever.'"
"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last.
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Jokes
Dec 6, 2005 15:19:01 GMT -5
Post by tarpon on Dec 6, 2005 15:19:01 GMT -5
Well they have just announced that a new bed has been brought out for lesbians, It's called the tongue and grove
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Jokes
Dec 6, 2005 15:34:04 GMT -5
Post by tarpon on Dec 6, 2005 15:34:04 GMT -5
Black kid makin a cake with his mum, wen he puts his hands in the flour and rubs his face, luk mama I'm white he says. His mum slaps him and tells him to go and see his father. Look daddy I'm white he says, his father slaps him and tells him to and see his Nan. Luk grandma I'm white he says, his Nan slaps him and tells him to go and see his mum. His mum says, Well ave you learned anything?. Yes he replies, I've been white 5 minutes and i hate you black bastards already. ;D
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