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Jokes
Aug 29, 2004 11:31:41 GMT -5
Post by tarpon on Aug 29, 2004 11:31:41 GMT -5
A famous quote... "Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish......................... and he'll sit in a boat drinking beer all day." Author unknown.
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Jokes
Aug 29, 2004 11:32:40 GMT -5
Post by tarpon on Aug 29, 2004 11:32:40 GMT -5
give a man a fish and your feed him for a day, teach a man to fish and he'll buy: top quality rods, new nash tackle bivvys baitboats boilies new range of shimano ;D
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Jokes
Aug 29, 2004 17:19:58 GMT -5
Post by camo on Aug 29, 2004 17:19:58 GMT -5
You have seriously lost the plot now mate, what are you on, what ever it is can I have some.
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Jokes
Aug 30, 2004 15:57:25 GMT -5
Post by tarpon on Aug 30, 2004 15:57:25 GMT -5
irish joke
three builders are sitting on the scaffold at the building site.an english man, a scotch man and an irish man. the english man opens his lunch, takes a look at his sanies "god, beef again, ive had beef for the last 30 years of my working life, if i have it tommorrow ill kill myself." the scotch man opens his sanies "god, ham again, ive had ham for the last 30 years of my working life, if i have it tommorrow ill kill myself." the irish man does the same and opens his sandwiches, "god, cheese again, ive had cheese for the last 30 years of my working life, if i have it tommorrow ill kill myself." the next day the builders sitting on the scaffold ready for dinner take out their lunch. the english man opens his sanies and sees that hes got beef, so he jumps and kills himself. the scotch man opens his sandwiches and sees hes got ham so he also jumps. the irish man, following suit opens his sandwiches, and to his horror, theres cheese on them, so he jumps and kills himself. the builders wifes have a joint funeral to save money, and as the builders were best friends. the three wives sit talkin, the english mans wife says " i cant believe my husband, if i knew that it didnt like beef i would av changed them" the scoth mans wife says " i cant believe my husband, if i knew that it didnt like ham i would av changed them" the irish mans wife says "i cant understand my husband, he makes his own sandwiches". ;D ;D
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Jokes
Aug 30, 2004 16:00:06 GMT -5
Post by tarpon on Aug 30, 2004 16:00:06 GMT -5
Why a man invented duct tape
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 mile per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly from the passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, " You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut."
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says," Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Oh, heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."
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Jokes
Aug 30, 2004 16:01:40 GMT -5
Post by tarpon on Aug 30, 2004 16:01:40 GMT -5
He Is Watching You!
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"
The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a 140 pound Rottweiler Jesus."
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Jokes
Aug 30, 2004 16:03:34 GMT -5
Post by tarpon on Aug 30, 2004 16:03:34 GMT -5
Factory workers Two factory workers were talking.... "I think I'll take some time off from work." said the man. "How do you think you'll do that?" said the blonde. He proceeded to show her ... by climbing up to the rafters, and hanging upside down. The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing? "I'm a light bulb", answered the guy. "I think you need some time off," said the boss. So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory. The blonde began walking out too. The boss asked her where did she think she was going? The blonde answered, "Home........... I can't work in the dark!" ;D
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Jokes
Aug 30, 2004 16:05:56 GMT -5
Post by tarpon on Aug 30, 2004 16:05:56 GMT -5
In need of some specialized carp gear (joke)
Carp anglers are prone to piles. Well what do you expect? They have carp jackets, carp trousers, carp this and carp that, but no carp undies!! Poor lads, sat on a damp carp bed for hours, even days, well, its asking for it!
One poor bloke, if being a carp angler was not enough, came from Norfolk. Well, that says it all really!!
Cronic piles he had, something wicked!! Off to the doctor he went. Doctor asked him to drop his RealTree strides, and flimsey undies. Why blast, the doctor say (as they do in Norfolk), you've got piles. Tell you what, I'll give you some right big old tablets, and I want you to put one in your rectum every night for a week!!'
Off to the bivvy encampment went our Delia's boy, wondering what on earth a rectum was! Spoke to his mate Dave, 'Dave, have you got a rectum that I can borrow?' 'No,' says Dave, 'but I know a man who has! Steve will have one in his boilie bag!' But no, Steve couldn't help either.
Took our hero all week to find that none of his carp fishing friends could help. They even phoned Fox up to see if they did a Fox Rectum. No, but they did suggest Solar, but they would only have 'em in pairs if they could help.
So back to the doctor went our carp angling friend from the depths of Norfolk. 'Doctor', he say (as they do in Norfolk), 'I can't find a rectum anywhere, all the good these blessed pills have done me I might just as well have stuck 'em up my backside!!'
I say 'backside' 'cause saying #### would be rude!!
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Jokes
Sept 3, 2004 14:09:02 GMT -5
Post by steveobeveo on Sept 3, 2004 14:09:02 GMT -5
great jokes fellas stupid ones are the best!!!!!!
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Jokes
Sept 26, 2004 15:47:03 GMT -5
Post by linebites on Sept 26, 2004 15:47:03 GMT -5
A man left work on Friday afternoon, but instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade of his actions.
Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied, "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
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Jokes
Sept 26, 2004 15:47:32 GMT -5
Post by linebites on Sept 26, 2004 15:47:32 GMT -5
The doctor was surprised to find old man Jones sitting on the bed holding up his middle finger and sticking out his tongue. He walked over to the nurse who was taking his vitals. "Excuse me," said the doctor, "but why is Mr. Jones sitting like that?" The nurse replied, "I told him you were going to examine his sexual organs."
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Jokes
Sept 26, 2004 15:48:01 GMT -5
Post by linebites on Sept 26, 2004 15:48:01 GMT -5
The wife appeared before the judge and said, "I want a divorce from that jerk over there." The judge said, "Why do you want the divorce?" "Because he's a terrible lover." The judge asked, "How long have you been married?" "Fourteen years," she replied. "I don't understand. Why did you wait 14 years to divorce your husband for being a terrible lover?" She said, "Because, your honor, until this insurance salesman stopped by my house last week, I didn't know."
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Jokes
Sept 26, 2004 15:48:33 GMT -5
Post by linebites on Sept 26, 2004 15:48:33 GMT -5
Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress? A: She's the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.
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Jokes
Sept 28, 2004 11:37:51 GMT -5
Post by tarpon on Sept 28, 2004 11:37:51 GMT -5
A man went hunting and a shot a deer, deciding to take it home and cook some of it for dinner. Whilst he is skinning and gutting the deer he remembers his kids favourite animal is Bambi, and realises if he tells them what it is they won't eat it. All the time he is preparing the dinner the kids are asking him what they are having, and he keeps telling them "it's a surprise". When they sit down at the table his daughter starts asking again and the man has to think of how to give them a clue without giving away that it's deer meat. "Let me think" says the dad, "sometimes mum calls me this this word". "Don't eat it Jimmy", screams the daughter to her little brother, "it's a f****** arsehole!!!!!!!!! ;D
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Jokes
Sept 28, 2004 11:56:44 GMT -5
Post by 00andrus on Sept 28, 2004 11:56:44 GMT -5
two oranges in a bar, one turns to the other and says, "excuse me mate, your round"
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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