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Jokes
Aug 21, 2004 11:18:53 GMT -5
Post by tarpon on Aug 21, 2004 11:18:53 GMT -5
Banana Split ;D A little old man shuffled ....... slooooowly into an ice cream parlor, pulled himself ............... slooooooowly .......... painfully .......... up onto a stool. After catching his breath ............................. he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts? " No," he replied, "Arthritis".
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Jokes
Aug 21, 2004 11:25:43 GMT -5
Post by tarpon on Aug 21, 2004 11:25:43 GMT -5
3 oldies An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000.. . . please advise."
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
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A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out: "Watch that wall!"
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When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon." I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m." I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
She said, "I can't remember where I live!"
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Jokes
Aug 21, 2004 14:25:26 GMT -5
Post by tarpon on Aug 21, 2004 14:25:26 GMT -5
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Jokes
Aug 22, 2004 5:18:21 GMT -5
Post by tarpon on Aug 22, 2004 5:18:21 GMT -5
An old man rocking on his porch sees a young kid and his fishing pole walking down the dirt road. "Where you goin' with that pole?" he calls. "Gonna git me some fish with this here fishing pole!" answers the kid. Sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with a bucket of fish.
Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some duct tape. "Where you goin' with that?" he calls. "Gonna git me some ducks with this here tape!" answers the kid. "You can't git no ducks with tape!" hollers the old man. But sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with the tape strung out behind him and ducks stuck all over it!
Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some chicken wire. "Where you going with that?" he calls. "Gonna get me some chickens with this wire!" answers the kid. "You can't get no chickens with wire!" hollers the old man. But sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with the wire strung out behind him and chickens stuck all through it!
Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some girl thingy willows. "Now hold on just a minute" calls the old man, "wait while I get my hat!!"
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Jokes
Aug 22, 2004 7:18:46 GMT -5
Post by camo on Aug 22, 2004 7:18:46 GMT -5
Excellent mate, and yes you do need to get on the banks more often. But they are hillarious keep em coming.
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Jokes
Aug 23, 2004 12:59:21 GMT -5
Post by tarpon on Aug 23, 2004 12:59:21 GMT -5
little joke A man was stopped by a game-warden in Northern Algonquin Park recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish." "Pet fish?!" the warden replied. "Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home." "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works." "O.K. I've GOT to see this!" The game warden was curious. The man poured the fish in to the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?" "Well, what?" the man responded. "When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted. "Call who back?" the man asked. "The FISH" "What fish?" the man asked. If you don't get it then don't ask me as it took me a little time to work it out as well ;D ;D
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Jokes
Aug 23, 2004 13:01:08 GMT -5
Post by tarpon on Aug 23, 2004 13:01:08 GMT -5
better carp joke
After a couple of days without any action, two carp anglers decide to go into the local village to replenish their food stocks, after visiting the local shop the intrepid duo are walking back, when they turn a corner and see a sign that says
‘Gentleman’s Bar ALL DRINKS 10pence’<br> They look at each other, then go in. On the inside, they realize in this case, they should not judge the 'book by its cover.' The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?" There seems to be a fully-stocked bar, so the men ask for a cool beer each.
In short order, the bartender serves up 2 pints of chilled ‘Bud’ and says, "That'll be 10p each, please." The two carpers stare at the bartender for a moment then look at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 20p, finish their beers, and order another round. Again, two frothing buds are produced with the bartender again saying, ......."That's 20 more pence, please."
They pay the 20p, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They've each had two pints of ice-cool ‘Bud’ , and so far they've spent less than 50p. Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve beer as good as these for 10p a pint ?"
The bartender replies, “I'm a retired tailor from Manchester, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for £12.7 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p, beer, wine, liquor, all the same."
"Wow, that's quite a story." says one of the men. The two of them sipped at their beers and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.
One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?" The bartender says, "Oh them, they’re fly fishermen, they're waiting for happy hour." ;D ;D ;D
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Jokes
Aug 23, 2004 13:05:11 GMT -5
Post by tarpon on Aug 23, 2004 13:05:11 GMT -5
Carp Joke! One day God calls down to Noah and says: "Noah, my friend and obediant servent, I want you to make me a new Ark." Noah replies: "No problems, God. Anything you want - after all you're the boss!" But God interrupts: "Ah, but there's a catch. This time, Noah, I want not just a couple of decks... I want 20 decks one on top of the other." "20 decks!" cries Noah. "Well, Okay, Your Holyness. Whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?" "Yep, that's right, well... sort of right... this time I want you to fill it up with fish," God answers. "Fish?" queries Noah. "Yep, fish... well, to make it more specific, Noah, I want carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!" Noah looks to the skies. "Okay, God. Let me get this right, you want a new Ark?" "Check." "With 20 decks, one on top of the other?" "Check." And you want it full of Carp?" "Check." "Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether. (Drum-Roll please...) "Dunno", replies God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark". Ta-da! ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Jokes
Aug 23, 2004 13:06:50 GMT -5
Post by tarpon on Aug 23, 2004 13:06:50 GMT -5
Another joke... A fisherman returned to shore with a giant carp that was a sixty-pounder if it was an ounce. On his way to the scales, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows. The second fisherman looked at the carp, turned to the first fisherman and said: " Only caught one, eh?" ;D ;D
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Jokes
Aug 23, 2004 13:07:54 GMT -5
Post by tarpon on Aug 23, 2004 13:07:54 GMT -5
Yest another joke... Many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us." After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away. The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage. The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the greiving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried. The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again." "Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been!" "Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...." ::: groan ::: ;D
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Jokes
Aug 23, 2004 13:10:50 GMT -5
Post by tarpon on Aug 23, 2004 13:10:50 GMT -5
Joke!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you ?" "Why do you want me to throw them at you?" "Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them." "Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy." "Why's that?" "Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. That's what she'd like for supper tonight." ;D ;D
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Jokes
Aug 24, 2004 15:15:20 GMT -5
Post by tarpon on Aug 24, 2004 15:15:20 GMT -5
Two pubes on a toilet seat, one says to the other, "how long you here for?" the other replies, "until i get p***ed off" Original joke by Ooandrus
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Jokes
Aug 28, 2004 11:11:34 GMT -5
Post by 00andrus on Aug 28, 2004 11:11:34 GMT -5
Two pubes on a toilet seat, one says to the other, "how long you here for?" the other replies, "until i get p***ed off" Original joke by Ooandrus ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D i love that one heres a couple........................... why was the dishwasher laughing? because the washing machine was taking the pi** out of the pants ;D ;D ;D ;D i love the poor ones ;D
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Jokes
Aug 28, 2004 11:13:56 GMT -5
Post by 00andrus on Aug 28, 2004 11:13:56 GMT -5
why did the mushroom always get invited to party's?
because he was a [glow=red,2,300]fun-guy[/glow] ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Jokes
Aug 28, 2004 11:16:44 GMT -5
Post by 00andrus on Aug 28, 2004 11:16:44 GMT -5
why didnt the skelenton get invited to the party?
because he had [glow=red,2,300]nobody[/glow] to go with ;D ;D ;D ;D
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